


beyond fixing

by artsymiss



Category: Arctic Monkeys, Last Shadow Puppets
Genre: Angst, Comfort, Dreams and Nightmares, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:28:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28240923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artsymiss/pseuds/artsymiss
Summary: a horrible nightmare wakes alex up late at night, sending him on a downward spiral.
Relationships: Miles Kane/Alex Turner
Comments: 1
Kudos: 33





	beyond fixing

_We have to talk._

_There’s nothing we can do to fix this._

_You aren’t worth it anymore._

_Goodbye._

A jolt.

A thumping engine of a heart attempting to dig its way through his ribcage. It seemed to punch his lungs and attempt to knock so hard on the door of his chest that it sees itself out. It hurts. It just keeps punching. It keeps punching. It won’t stop. Why does it just keep punching like this? What happened to cause this? It was all so murky and foggy. His head was swarmed with flies and mist, clouding not only his eyes but also his mind. A lack of vision and uninterrupted thought. A heart that hated Alex so much that it couldn’t even stand to stay inside his body for a second longer. Paper bag lungs that had been doused in water and were unable to inflate again like normal. God, his lungs. They burned. These blankets are weighing his cold sweaty body down to this sponge of a bead. Oh, god, the discomfort. Hands reaching up to pull at hair but that makes the head feel worse. Ringing in the ears that needed to be silenced so bad that Alex was willing to jam cotton down his ears to shut them up. 

What had happened? What could send his body on this deep of a downward spiral? Once the painful pummeling of his heart had died down to something that was at least somewhat ignorable he attempted to clear his foggy brain. Shaking his head made it hurt worse but it made him remember. _Oh, my lungs…_ what was he trying to remember again? Why does he hurt all over? How come-

_Please, Please don’t do this to me!_

There were vague figures in his mind that were talking. One of them had to be Alex, of course.

_You don’t understand how much I need you!_

Their mouths were not moving, but they were talking. They didn’t really seem to make any noise, either. But Alex knew just the same what was happening and how he and the other figure felt. He knew the other figure was Miles. 

_Listen, Alex, you just aren’t enough for me anymore._

He remembers feeling his body crumble like glass. He remembers Miles being gone but then back a few seconds later. He remembers Miles comforting him on the ground but then coldly walking out the door that wasn’t there a few seconds ago. 

_Don’t go!_

His knees burnt and his hands shook. They weren’t real but he could feel it all. His eyes felt pained and dry. His entire body seemed to be going into overdrive, breaking down into total organ failure at the very concept of being left behind.

_I can do better._

_You’re too much of a downer, Alex._

_You’re pathetic, look at you._

How could all of those words have come out all at the same time? How does dream Miles talk so much faster and crueler? Is this even Miles? It has to be. It is. He knows it is. There’s not a doubt in his mind. He just… _knows._

_I… I’ll fix myself! I’ll be better for you, everything you want me to be!_

_No._

_Alex, you are beyond fixing._

And that’s the one that did it. That’s the line that sent Alex reeling in their bed at 4:50 AM. The intense discomfort aforementioned in the first few minutes of waking up increased tenfold at the memory. His body soaked itself in a cold sweat, his chest throbbed, his head ached, and his lunges engulfed themselves in flames. The overwhelming shakes in his hands took over and he used the quaking fingers at the ends of his wrists to harshly rub away the salty tears forming at his eyelids. It hurt. This hurt. To have to watch the love of his life just _leave him_ the way he did. So cruelly and without regret. 

He knew he wasn’t worth shit. He’s had to remind himself of this fact hundreds of times. He gets too cocky onstage one night and has to remember that he’ll never be _that_ good. He’ll never be perfect. He had accepted it by now. It just hurt to hear it so vividly and realistically from someone he loved this much. The unflinching chain of Miles’s newfound hatred for Alex tightened itself around Alex’s lungs and _pulled._ It pulled like it’s life depended on it. His lungs had always been healthy but god, is this what an asthma attack is like? Has he had asthma this whole time and never knew?

The blankets are too heavy. He needs up, now. His body slowly works its way into a sitting position and staggers to its feet, stumbling away from the bed and aiming for the bathroom. Alex is in his own world and fails to think about how much noise he’s making. He’s breathing so heavy now he can’t even tell if he’s breathing at all anymore. Shaky hands and lungs. Pulling at the doorknob but having to try over and over again because his hands are too sweaty to get a good grip. Finally free, out he goes.

The whole apartment is dark, of course, considering the time. Alex finds his way to the bathroom and flicks on the light before letting out a pained cry of regret and turning them off again. He just lays on the floor and silently sobs _._

_You. Are. Not. Enough._

_I don’t need you anymore._

_I don’t care about you._

_You’re a shit boyfriend._

_Jesus Christ, no!_

It’s all so horrifyingly overstimulating Alex thinks he’s going to die here. He’s going to die pitifully curled in on himself against the bathtub, his face pressed into the ceramic in a sad attempt to cool down the hot tears drenching his face. He’s going to die because Miles left him. Because he’s such a horrible human being he can’t even stand to be alone with himself so his body just shuts down. He’s going to die alone.

At his revelation he lets out an agonized groan much louder than intended. He’s never heard himself make such a noise before. Maybe he should use that in a song if he makes it out of this alive. Of course, there’s no telling if he’ll be able to replicate it, but he supposed he could try… 

The bathroom door bursts open. 

Alex’s bleary eyes can’t see much of anything but he’d recognize the voice and smell of Miles anywhere. At the presentation of another chance to get him back, Alex pounces on the opportunity. 

“ _MILES!_ ” His voice is so gravelly and pained… is it even his? He reaches out to grab at his hands but winds up gripping elbows. Whatever works. He just needs to be held in place. “ _JESUS, MILES, LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE TO ME!”_ he croaks.

Alex’s vision clears up enough to see the terrified glaze over Miles’s eyes. He’s talking. What’s he saying? Is Alex underwater? That’s what it sounds like. Wait, shouldn’t he be listening? Let’s try.

“... me what is happening. Chrissakes, Ally, I’ve ever seen you like this, what is going on?!”

Is Miles gripping him back? Shaking him? Or is that just the way his arms are moving? Another inhumane guttural moan. 

“You… you left! Why would you leave? You know- you knew- I need you to _live_ Mi, look what’s happened to me when you left, _God! How could you say those things to me-”_

“Say what, Alex? What did I say?” Miles' eyes looked confused and teary. Is he faking? He must be.

“ _GOD,_ what didn’t you say? How shit I am, how you don’t ne-eed me… how- how- _ugh.”_ It would hurt too much to repeat. “Why would you make me repeat those horrible words, Miles? Are you really this cruel?”

“Alex.”

A shaky, loud inhale. His legs aren’t bent to his chest anymore, they’re stretched out. Miles is kneeling over his thighs. How did that happen? When did- when did he move his legs? _When did Miles come back?_

“Al.”

Gut wrenching sobs. He keeps trying to pull his hands away from Miles’ grip but he’s too weak. When did Alex stop keeping Miles in place and Miles started keeping Alex in place? When did they switch roles? Who did Miles meet that was so much better than Alex, anyways?  
  
“Ally.”

He keeps thinking about that one line. _You are beyond fixing._ Was that true? Well, Miles never really was one to lie. 

“ _Alex Turner!”_ Miles hands gripped his cheeks and held his face.

“ _WHAT?!”_

“I never said any of that shite. Never. I- why would you think I’d ever say anything ‘cruel’ to you?” Miles appeared to be struggling to keep his cool. 

“Because you did! I heard you! I heard you!”

“ _No I didn’t!”_ He was getting frantic. “Alex. Did you take something? You need to tell me if you took anything, I gotta make you throw up like we used to-”

“Miles, I didn’t bloody take anything!” This is too exhausting.

“Then fucking hell, Alex, you had a nightmare,” Miles sighed. He said it like it was just that simple. Just that easy. Alex always hated how he did that. How anything Miles ever said sounded like it was obvious. 

“N-No! I heard you say it I know I did!” Now it’s mostly spiteful. A desire to be right. To know what he experienced. “You left me, you did! Just a few hours ago, I- you did!” His body was normal-ish now. Heart rate and lungs were relatively normal. Body temperature regulated. But he had never felt so emotionally vulnerable in his _life._

“No, baby. I never left. I never said anything. Last night, remember what we did last night?” His eyes were much calmer now. Tender hands caressing his tensed ones. The only time Miles really freaked out was when he doesn’t know what is going on or what to do. When he doesn’t have control. Now that he had made sense of the situation, he knew exactly what to do. That was one of the things Alex loved about him so much.

Alex’s silent stare told Miles no, he didn’t remember. 

“I’ll recount it for you. We went for a walk around town, yeah? Looked at all the snow. You said it might inspire you to write. When we got back I made soup for us to warm up with, and then we listened to Crumb for a little bit. And then we went to bed, Alex. Together. Cuddled up. And I never left or said anything cruel to you.” 

Alex just looked at him. 

He was right. He was always right. A nightmare. A hellishly vivid one at that, but still a nightmare. He’d classify it as a night terror, maybe. 

All of a sudden the panic and fear and desperation washed off. Miles watched the look in his eyes change to a neutral state and sighed with relief. All before rushing to his aid when they clouded with regret, shame, and apologies moments after.

“Miles I’m sorry oh _God,_ it's so late- or- probably early now I guess, I just… Miles I’m sorry I’m sorry I didn’t mean to, I-”

“Alex. Alex. Do not apologize to me. I know how these nightmares get to you, I know. I guess they’ve just never been about me before.” Miles pressed soothing kisses all over his face. “Just scared me for a sec there, love. Didn’t know what to do.”

“I thought I was gonna die.”

The silence is deafening. Miles certainly wasn’t expecting that. “I would never let that happen on my watch, Aly. Never. Kay?”

“I- these nightmares have been happening a lot. Night terrors. I think that’s a better term for them.” Alex ignored his offer of affirmation. 

“How often?”

Instant regret. Now he’d have to talk about them. Goodness, why did he say that?

“You don’t gotta tell me what they’re about, babe, just how many have you had in the last week or so?” Miles pries.

“Umm…“ Alex counts in his head for a few quick seconds and spends the next 10 working up the nerve to answer. “Maybe one every two or three nights…” Alex mumbles.

Miles feels his heart break. “ _Aly._ You gotta wake me up. You gotta tell me when you get like this. You can’t- you _shouldn’t_ deal with it alone.”

“It’s never been this bad before.” Alex interjects. “Tonight was different. A lot worse. Normally I can just lay there and take deep breaths and feel better after a while. I’m a big boy, Miles. I have nightmares sometimes. I’m fine.” He can’t help but reject this reach out for help. It always feels demeaning to him. Like he’s being treated like a baby.

“I know you can handle it but it doesn’t mean you should. Having them this often is not normal. Want me to make a doctors appointment for ya?” 

“No. God, no. That would be awful.”  
“Alright, alright. I won’t. You just got me all worried about you now.”

Alex couldn’t stand this anymore. He jumped up and tackled Miles in a desperate hug. Clinging like his life depended on it. Miles shut up and just rubbed gentle circles into his back, lightly scratching every once in a while. They could finish this conversation later. Right now, all Alex needed was to be loved.


End file.
